Couples Relationship Assessment - Section 4 - Cross Over the Bridge Together
Once the Cycle of Conflict is broken, we can begin to cross the bridge to Create an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship.
Never is it too late to change. As we’ve learned, once the Cycle of Conflict is broken,we can begin to cross the bridge to Create an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship.
Grasping the importance of identifying and satisfying each other’s relationship needs is the third step in learning each other’s Relationship Languages. Your goal is to define the recurring problems in the relationship and learn techniques for successful compromise. In doing so, you’ll gain the long anticipated access to cross the bridge to a life in your field of sunflowers.
If you are in the midst of relationship distress and turmoil, you will be hard pressed to uncover the true core of your struggle. Becoming glued to everyday surface issues and problems, you will identify with superficial content while ignoring the deeper rhythm of your relationship dance. It is not until you gain the insight and self-awareness to look intensely into your own mirror that you begin “knowing.?
No two individuals share the same perspective. Recognition and understanding of your partner’s perspectives are precursors to healthy communication. Such insight is also a prerequisite for the feelings of mutual safety, trust, respect, and admiration. Once you begin to understand one another’s views of the current state of the relationship, you are in the right position to change and Co-Create the relationship of your dreams.
In Section 4 of the Couples Relationship Assessment, you will score statements that correspond to the following chapters from The Journey from “I-TO-WE?,
Chapter 11 - Identify, Understand, and Satisfy Each Other’s Needs
From birth until death, experiences shape your view of the world. They influence what you need to feel safe, loved and cared for, and what you need to build trust, respect and admiration. Needs are byproducts of experiences. Wounds, fears, values, vision, hopes and dreams all play a role in defining your needs. Likewise, your expectations of how your needs will be satisfied?as an individual and in your relationships with others?are shaped by your perspectives.
Throughout life, perceptions of our experiences produce all kinds of needs at varying levels?from must have to would like. Some needs are critical for healing emotional wounds while others are necessary for realizing your hopes and dreams.
Chapter 12 - Define the Recurring Problems in Your Relationship
From time to time, every relationship encounters difficulties. One difference between a successful and unsuccessful couple is the awareness that both solvable problems and unsolvable problems exist in every relationship. By isolating the two, we can begin to understand that some problems will never be solved. Thus, our goal is to find a way to understand and respect each other’s perspective through a mutually agreed upon compromise to manage and live with the problem.
Emotionally Intelligent couples know when to “agree to disagree?. When a problem becomes unsolvable, they work toward a compromise instead of becoming mired in the pain and anguish of the Cycle of Conflict.
Chapter 13 - Manage Your Problems with The Conscious Compromise Technique
In order to compromise, you must gain the awareness, learn the skills, and practice the techniques that enable you to work together in finding a way to live with and manage unsolvable problems in a safe, honest, peaceful, respectful and loving manner.
The objective is not to solve the problem; instead, it is to understand each other’s perspectives, find common ground, and reach a compromise. The goal is to develop a mutual agreement, remove the pain and power from the issue, and rid the relationship of its negative energy. The reward is to achieve safety and peace in your relationship.
Are you ready to continue your journey to gain the awareness, learn the skills and practice the techniques to achieve relationship success at home, at work and within yourself?
Section 4 ? Complete steps 1- 4. Step 5 - 9 will be completed in Section 7
Step 1 ? Your perspective of yourself - Rate your degree of agreement with each statement on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a definite “yes? and 1 being a definite “no.? Using a black pen, write your score on the first line to the left of each statement.
Step 2 ? Your perspective of your partner - Rate your partner according to how you feel the statement applies to him or her from your perspective. Using a black pen, write your score on the second line to the left of each statement.
Example: 10_ 8_- 1 - I am committed to our relationship.
If you feel you are 100% committed, place a 10 as shown above. If you feel your partner is only 80% committed, place an 8 on the second space.
Step 3 ? When you have completed each of the topics, total all of the scores within each topic, and write the number in the space marked Topic Score. When you and your partner have finished scoring your Assessments, let each other know.
Step 4 ? No matter what number your partner writes down, refrain from reacting negatively to your partner’s scores. Be supportive; do not get defensive, resentful, or angry. Begin to create safety in the relationship by thanking your partner for having the courage to trust you by sharing his or her true thoughts and feelings.
Step 5 ? At the top of the “Our Relationship Assessment? page is a space to record the date and your names. Record your perspective of yourself score beneath your name. Next, when your partner shares the total topic score from his or her workbook, record it beneath his or her name.
Step 6 ? Total both of your scores for each topic and divide by 200 to get the percentage score. Place this under the Topic Percentage Score heading to the right of your individual scores.
Step 7 ? Total your individual scores for each topic; divide by 21. Place both of the average sums in the appropriate Total Relationship Score line at the end of the “Our Relationship Assessment.? Add your two percentages, divide by two, and place the number to the right of your individual Total Relationship Scores. This is the percentage score for your assessment.
Step 8 ? In the “Our Relationship Assessment? section, using a black pen, place a checkmark to the left of each topic heading that has a Total Percentage Score of 80 or above. Celebrate these and focus on the positives they bring to your relationship.
Step 9 ? Place a red X to the left of each topic heading that has a percentage score below 80. Be mindful of the topics that score between 60 and 79. Here, you have room to improve, but such areas are less dire than any topics with scores below 60. They are the areasthat need the most immediate attention.
Chapter 11 - Identify, Understand, and Satisfy Each Other’s Needs
_______ _______ - 1 - I have identified my required needs.
_______ _______ - 2 - We have shared our required needs lists.
_______ _______ - 3 ? Currently, my partner is not doing anything from my required needs list that could cause the relationship to fail.
_______ _______ - 4 - I have identified my important needs.
_______ _______ - 5 - We have shared our important needs lists.
_______ _______ - 6 - I have identified my desired needs.
_______ _______ - 7 - We have shared our desired needs lists.
_______ _______ - 8 - I do not make demands and I am not selfish about my needs.
_______ _______ - 9 - I am enthusiastically committed to meet my partner’s needs.
_______ _______ - 10 - I think of my partner and give of myself unselfishly and unconditionally to satisfy his or her needs.
_______ _______ - Topic Score
Chapter 12 - Define the Recurring Problems in Your Relationship
_______ _______ - 1 - I know the difference between a solvable and an unsolvable problem.
_______ _______ - 2 - We can identify a solvable problem and stick to the issue only.
_______ _______ - 3 - We successfully communicate about our solvable problems.
_______ _______ - 4 - We have identified our unsolvable problems.
_______ _______ - 5 - I know that an unsolvable problem can destroy a relationship.
_______ _______ - 6 - I understand the root cause of our unsolvable problem.
_______ _______ - 7 - I understand where the root cause originates.
_______ _______ - 8 - I understand and am empathetic of my partner’s perspective.
_______ _______ - 9 - When it is my partner’s issue, I am patient and ask how I can help.
_______ _______ - 10 - I take absolute personal responsibility when it is my own issue that causes the unsolvable problem.
_______ _______ - Topic Score
Chapter 13 - Manage Your Problems with The Conscious Compromise Technique
_______ _______ - 1 - We are able to compromise, manage, and live peacefully with our unsolvable problems.
_______ _______ - 2 - I understand the root cause for the unsolvable problems in the relationship.
_______ _______ - 3 - We take the time to explore the real issue underlying the problem.
_______ _______ - 4 - I respect, understand, and validate my partner’s perspectives.
_______ _______ - 5 - I look at the issue or problem from three different perspectives.
_______ _______ - 6 - We brainstorm and look for new perspectives on which to agree.
_______ _______ - 7 - We find common ground to develop a joint perspective.
_______ _______ - 8 - We develop an agreement from a perspective about which we both are enthusiastic.
_______ _______ - 9 - We make plans and goals for our mutual perspective agreements.
_______ _______ - 10 - I accept absolute personal responsibility to follow through on all of my promises and commitments.
_______ _______ - Topic Score
So, how did you score? When you completed this section, were you surprised by your partner’s responses. It is very telling when you turn toward each other and say, “I had no idea you felt that way.? Such awareness begins the process. Consequently, the assessment will illustrate strengths and weaknesses along with the varying perspectives that you and your partner bring to the relationship. I encourage you to complete all 7 of the Couples Relationship Assessments.
My hope is that this assessment series is the beginning of a guide for you on a wonderful journey together as you begin to cross the bridge into your field of sunflowers. Remember to live each day honoring the 12 Principles of Emotionally Intelligent Relationships.
From now until eternity,
may you always remain each other’s?
Best Friend during the Day,
Lover at Night , and
Partner for Life
©2008 ? All rights reserved ? Glenn Cohen - “I-TO-WE? Relationship Coaching
About the author
Glenn Cohen is a certified relationship coach. He coaches individuals, couples and works with companies across the country. He conducts workshops, speeches, seminars and trains coaches, healthcare professionals, religious counselors, and corporations on the use of his program. You may contact him at 843-852-9828 or his website, www.i-to-we.org
Tags: admiration, byproducts, chapter 11, compromise, couples, current state, death experiences, feelings, field of sunflowers, insight, midst, perspectives, prerequisite, relationship assessment, rhythm, right position, safety trust, self awareness, surface issues, turmoil
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