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The Couples Relationship Assessment is divided into 7 sections that explore 21 areas of your relationship.  Each topic corresponds to a chapter in the book and companion workbook, The Journey from “I-TO-WE.? 

Couples Relationship Assessment

Section 1

Lay the Foundation for Relationship Success

The first step in any process of change is to develop the basic awareness that some form of change is needed.  After gaining awareness, you will need to make a solid commitment to follow the path that leads to your desired outcome. 

Creating an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship is analogous to building a home.  It starts with communicating your hopes and dreams, creating your plans, and laying a solid foundation that will endure the test of time.  With cooperative teamwork, the vision will soon become a reality.

If you are in the midst of relationship distress and turmoil, you will be hard pressed to uncover the true core of your struggle.  Becoming glued to everyday surface issues and problems, you will identify with superficial content while ignoring the deeper rhythm of your relationship dance.  It is not until you gain the insight and self-awareness to look intensely into your own mirror that you begin “knowing.?

No two individuals share the same perspective.  Recognition and understanding of your partner’s perspectives are precursors to healthy communication.  Such insight is also a prerequisite for the feelings of mutual safety, trust, respect, and admiration.  Once you begin to understand one another’s views of the current state of the relationship, you are in the right position to change and Co-Create the relationship of your dreams.

In Section 1 of the Couples Relationship Assessment, you will score statements that correspond to the following chapters from The Journey from “I-TO-WE? Book and Companion Workbook. 

Chapter 2 - Develop Your Statement of Commitment

The first step in the process to Create an Emotionally Intelligent Relationship is to make a commitment to your partner, your relationship, and yourself.  To establish a sense of safety and a feeling of unity for your journey is critical.

Making a commitment involves making a promise to change and to accept absolute personal responsibility for your words, actions, and behaviors.  If the commitment originates from your heart and soul, then your inner voice will serve as your guide through this process.  Listen to your conscience and be true to yourself, your partner, and your commitment.  The ultimate goal of the commitment is to establish enough safety, trust and confidence to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Chapter 3 - Learn and Master The Conscious Discussion Technique

The Conscious Discussion Technique?CDT? is critical to the success of a relationship.  This is the most important skill set to learn.

If not all of the time, you have spent a good bit of your life speaking and listening to parents, siblings, friends, teachers, and coworkers.  Why, then, is it that your speaking and listening skills seem to disappear after you’ve been in an intimate relationship for a certain length of time? 

If you have issues, problems, thoughts, and feelings to convey, you will not be able to communicate them without effective speaking and listening skills and techniques.  This technique is not about resolving conflicts.  It is intended to help you release energy and deliver messages in a proper manner, and understand the other’s perspectives.

The person who wants to talk about an issue, problem, thought, or feeling is the Sender.  The one who needs to listen, understand, validate, and empathize with the Sender is the Receiver. 

Are you ready to begin your journey to gain the awareness, learn the skills and practice the techniques to achieve relationship success at home, at work and within yourself?

Section 1 ? Complete steps 1-4.  Step 5-9 will be completed in Section 7

Step 1 ? Your perspective of yourself - Rate your degree of agreement with each statement on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a definite “yes? and 1 being a definite “no.?  Using a black pen, write your score on the first line to the left of each statement.

Step 2 ? Your perspective of your partner - Rate your partner according to how you feel the statement applies to him or her from your perspective.  Using a black pen, write your score on the second line to the left of each statement.

Example:     10_     8_- 1 - I am committed to our relationship.

If you feel you are 100% committed, place a 10 as shown above.  If you feel your partner is only 80% committed, place an 8 on the second space.

Step 3 ? When you have completed each of the topics, total all of the scores within each topic, and write the number in the space marked Topic Score. When you and your partner have finished scoring your Assessments, let each other know.

Step 4 ? No matter what number your partner writes down, refrain from reacting negatively to your partner’s scores.  Be supportive; do not get defensive, resentful, or angry.  Begin to create safety in the relationship by thanking your partner for having the courage to trust you by sharing his or her true thoughts and feelings.

Step 5 ? At the top of the “Our Relationship Assessment? page is a space to record the date and your names.  Record your perspective of yourself score beneath your name.  Next, when your partner shares the total topic score from his or her workbook, record it beneath his or her name.

Step 6 ? Total both of your scores for each topic and divide by 200 to get the percentage score.  Place this under the Topic Percentage Score heading to the right of your individual scores.

Step 7 ? Total your individual scores for each topic; divide by 21.  Place both of the average sums in the appropriate Total Relationship Score line at the end of the “Our Relationship Assessment.?  Add your two percentages, divide by two, and place the number to the right of your individual Total Relationship Scores.  This is the percentage score for your assessment.

Step 8 ? In the “Our Relationship Assessment? section, using a black pen, place a checkmark to the left of each topic heading that has a Total Percentage Score of 80 or above.  Celebrate these and focus on the positives they bring to your relationship.

Step 9 ? Place a red X to the left of each topic heading that has a percentage score below 80.  Be mindful of the topics that score between 60 and 79.  Here, you have room to improve, but such areas are less dire than any topics with scores below 60.  They are the areasthat need the most immediate attention.

Chapter 2 - Develop Your Statement of Commitment

_______  _______ - 1 - I am committed to giving 100% effort and completing this program.

_______  _______ - 2 - I am committed to keeping our relationship safe and loving.

_______  _______ - 3 - I am committed to being mentally present and emotionally available.

_______  _______ - 4 - I am committed to being honest, sincere and genuine with my partner.

_______  _______ - 5 - I am committed to understanding and owning my contribution to conflicts in our relationship.

_______  _______ - 6 - I am committed to speak, listen, understand, validate and empathize with my partner in a conscientious manner.

_______  _______ - 7 - I am committed to admitting my denials, facing my fears, and being truthful with my partner and myself.

_______  _______ - 8 - I am committed to accepting absolute personal responsibility for my words, actions, and behaviors.

_______  _______ - 9 - I am committed to learning my partner’s Relationship Languages and speaking them every day.

_______  _______ - 10 - I am committed to enact positive change for my own benefit as well as for my partner and the relationship.

_______  _______ ? Topic Score

Learn and Master The Conscious Discussion Technique

_______  _______ - 1 - I know how to ask for a discussion appointment.

_______  _______ - 2 - I deliver my message to my partner in a safe, honest, peaceful, respectful, and loving manner.

_______  _______ - 3 - I focus and listen to my partner talk about his or her thoughts and feelings.

_______  _______ - 4 - I reflect back to my partner that I understand his or her message.

_______  _______ - 5 - I sincerely validate my partner’s points of view, even if I do not agree.

_______  _______ - 6 - I show genuine empathy and respect for my partner’s thoughts and feelings.

_______  _______ - 7 - I do not make it about me.

_______  _______ - 8 - I do not get defensive, blame, use verbal darts, display a condescending attitude, or make disrespectful judgments.

_______  _______ - 9 - I do not criticize, minimize/invalidate, or mock my partner’s thoughts or feelings.

_______  _______ - 10- I give my partner all the time he or she needs to finish communicating a thought or feeling.

_______  _______ ? Topic Score

So, how did you score?  When you completed this section, were you surprised by your partner’s responses.  It is very telling when you turn toward each other and say, “I had no idea you felt that way.?  Such awareness begins the process.  Consequently, the assessment will illustrate strengths and weaknesses along with the varying perspectives that you and your partner bring to the relationship.  I encourage you to complete all 7 of the Couples Relationship Assessments. 

My hope is that this assessment series is the beginning of a guide for you on a wonderful journey together as you begin to cross the bridge into your field of sunflowers.  Remember to live each day honoring The 12 Principles of Emotionally Intelligent Relationships.

From now until eternity,

may you always remain each other’s?

Best Friend during the Day,

Lover at Night , and

Partner for Life

©2008 ? All rights reserved ? Glenn Cohen - “I-TO-WE? Relationship Coaching / www.i-to-we.org

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