Do You Know Who You Are?
All of humanity has in common at least one vital factor: the needs of the inner person. It is further my assertion that the needs of a child are the needs of an adult. That is, needs do not change, and they do not go away.
Even when needs are met, they remain to be fulfilled again and again. When not met, they will scream out in the form of behavioral, affective, cognitive, or personality disorders either episodically or chronically.
The most important need in the maturation process at any stage is affirmation of the true self.
Several of the extant models of personality development, such as those of Piaget and Erickson, emphasize needs in childhood. But the reason that needs are permanent throughout life is that they arise from the true self, from the child within us all.
The self of adulthood is not the real person but only an artificial construct that I term the “Adopted Self”, designed for social acceptance. The true self is the one who comes directly from the womb.
In personality formation, correct verbal and nonverbal messages on the part of parents is always crucial, but especially in adolescence.
A boy needs a father, and a girl needs a mother, just as much as in earlier stages. A father who has suffered neglect or rejection by his own father will be not only hampered but often utterly crippled in his ability to be open, approachable, and affectionate, especially to a son.
The effect of an inadequate father, whether neglectful or demanding, is never less than devastating to the son’s personhood. The son is prevented from having a full sense of being a male.
Father is the one who grants the “right of passage” to manhood, and he is also the one who can block it.
If the boy sees no hand extended and hears no voice saying in some way, “Welcome to manhood,” he never fully “arrives” in his own mind but carries the sense of being more boy than man all his life.
A daughter denied affirmation by a father lives out her whole life with a sense of not completely existing. The lives of such unfortunates are continuous efforts to stave off the fear of annihilation-worse than the fear of death.
Feeling as though one doesn’t exist is more terrifying than the knowledge that one will some day die.
Daughters go to extremes to counteract this bottomless deficit. They will take a tyrannical father and make him in their own fantasies a sweet, wonderful man. Or they will search for their “real father” in relationship after relationship, never realizing whom they are really leaving each time they break from a partner.
They will fight their own buried conviction that they must indeed be loathsome if “My own father couldn’t love me,” and they will invariably transfer these voids and fears onto their concept of God.
Sometimes they will sell their bodies with the meager comfort of feeling that “I must be worth something if men will pay money for me.” A similar phenomenon can be seen in the ambitious model or actress who endlessly pursues some important person to “take my picture”.
If you want to get to know yourself, don’t look in the mirror. Look back, and look inside.
Dr. Heyward Ewart, III, is a retired psychologist with 25 years of commitment to victims of abuse and other violence, both males and females. He has spoken widely on these issues and has served as an expert witness in several states. He is a diplomate of the American College of Forensic Examiners and a former member of the White House Conference on Families. His new book
Tags: adult, Child, discovery, false self, identity, needs, personality, true self
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