Keeping Promises To Your Kids As A Form Of Behavior Management
“Dad, come play a game with me.”
“Sure buddy, let me just finish this thing I’m working on and we’ll play.”
…tick tock…
“Dad, are you done yet?”
“Not yet buddy, just a few more minutes”
…tick tock…
“Dad, it’s taking a long time.”
“Just a few more minutes”
…tick tock…
“Dad!”
“Buddy I’m so sorry, we have to eat dinner and then I have to leave to…”
A promise broken. What kind of damage has been done? That depends on many factors but the important thing is that some damage has been done. What the degree of damage is a different discussion
Stuff happens and we all have to break promises at times but this should be the result of unforeseen circumstances, not because we were lazy or just wanted the kids to let us finish some work we had to get done. The perfect parent has not been invented yet. Everyone make mistakes so feel bad, but then move on with fixing the problem.
How do you fix this?
- Acknowledge to your child that a promise has been broken.
- Own the broken promise. Don’t blame your boss or they fact that you had to go to wherever. The fact is you should not make a promise you can’t or won’t keep.
- Make it up to them and offer a small reward for their patience. This can be a simple bonus to the original activity.
- Commit to do better and then do better. Don’t do this step unless you mean it at all costs.
Was it an honest mistake or an unconscious technique to get the child to leave you alone while you worked? Were you taking the easy way out? Don’t lie to yourself a second time if this is the answer.
We are all guilty of this. Most times we mean well as we tell them we will do whatever, barely lifting our head as we work. Ask yourself why you didn’t just ask them to play now and ask again later? Doe the child need some behavior management so that you expect stints of time where you are not constantly interrupted?
Could you have taken a moment to find an activity for the child to do quietly in the same room or in a different room where they are still safe if you are the only one watching them. Many times five minutes invested in helping a child find an activity can save you from fifteen 1-minute interruptions. Try and remember to praise the child as positive reinforcement in other situations where they are playing nicely or quietly when you have asked.
If this was a one time thing then don’t beat yourself up. If this sort of thing has happened before you need to change a few things. First, review the incident from the beginning and think of how you could have handled it differently. Did you honestly believe you would have time to play? If so was it really going to be enough time to have a quality moment?
If you can’t do what they are asking, explain that to your child. Also explain that you are disappointed at the situation and you understand that they are too. Lastly find a future time that you can commit to doing the activity and make it a date AND KEEP IT.
Following through will make your future easier as your child will know that you will keep the commitment. When the child does leave you alone or patiently waits for the appointed time, reward the child with positive reinforcement.
“Thanks for your patience buddy. I really appreciate your understanding and playing so quietly. Let’s get a special treat after we are done playing.”
The play should not be the reward for a child, it should be the reward for you. For showing patience and restraint the child has earned a bonus be it verbal praise or something more tangible. With the effects of positive reinforcement, future times that you can’t do it immediately, they will be more understanding and you will feel less guilty.
The bottom line is that even the smallest promise should not be made lightly or readily broken if it is made. We lead by example and sometimes the best way to improve our children is to improve ourselves. Promises are the foundation of trust and trust is a parenting asset you can never have enough of.
Chris Cliver, Writer and Entrepreneur, is the founder of KidsMakingChange.com, a site that offers Behavior
Management for Children through Positive
Reinforcement. He is the father of 2 boys including one with Asperger’s Syndrome.
For parenting tools, tips and free downloads, go to http://www.KidsMakingChange.com
Tags: behavior management, Child, parenting, positive reinforcement, promise, reward, trust, understanding
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