Caring For Aging Parents - My Parents Are Doing Just Fine… Planning For Elder Care

Dec-23-2007 By admin

Our aging loved ones are doing just fine. They seem to be going about their business as usual. There may be little things that are showing up, like the house is not as clean as usual or the lawn looks a little unkempt. But they’re probably busy and we know they will get the work done.

The Challenge - Family members see their aging loved ones as they have always seen them, denying their actual limitations, conditions and care needs.

We want our loved ones to stay as they are. We often see them as timeless. In acknowledging their changing conditions and needs, we don’t know what that might mean for us. Also, we will eventually have to face their death. Death is something we would rather avoid and denying this reality is a way of protecting ourselves. Many families face this sense of denial as loved ones age.

The Solution - Acknowledge that your loved ones will grow old, will exhibit physical, mental and emotional changes and will have changing care needs.

1. Begin “seeing” your loved ones as they really are. Step back and be objective about what you are seeing. Observe the following for changes:
• Condition of residence and yard
• Cleanliness of the inside of the residence
• Daily routines
• Ability to handle finances
• Personal hygiene
• Activity level and initiation of much loved hobbies, interests
• Ability to walk and/or move about safely
• Eating, cooking, food in the refrigerator – type, amount and freshness

2. Then listen carefully to what is being said and what is not being said.
• Spouses can easily cover up the limitations of their partners. These limitations are often not evident until something happens to the spouse with the most abilities.
• Aging loved ones won’t admit they are having problems or difficulties. This can be reflective of the depression era values and core beliefs that “we don’t tell” and “we can do it ourselves”. They don’t want to bother their family members and be a burden on others. Plus it’s none of the children’s business.

3. Children are emotionally not ready or wanting to see the changes. What might this mean for my family and me? What kind of time and resources is this going to take? I already have more than I can handle.

4. Admitting that loved ones conditions are changing brings up the vulnerability of our loved ones. This inevitably begins the emotional work of projecting the death of our loved ones. This is called anticipatory grieving.

5. Different family members may observe different changes. Depending on what role each family member plays with the aging loved ones, different limitations, changing conditions and care needs may be recognized.

6. Initiate discussions with your aging loved ones and other family members about these changes and care needs. If these changes put your loved ones at risk, immediate action may need to be taken to resolve an unsafe situation.

Acknowledging these changes is difficult. However, living in denial can lead to being unprepared if a crisis occurs, resulting in hasty decisions and few options. Step back and observe. What, if any, mental, physical and emotional changes do you see in your aging loved ones? Talk with other family members about changes they see. Acknowledge the changes you observe with your aging loved ones. Be proactive and begin to plan for for these changing care needs.

Carol McGowan RN and Cindy Streekstra RN are Caregiver Coaches and geriatric nurses who share a mission of caring for caregivers as part of a family unit. Their passion for caregivers has led them to create “The Caregiver Cottage”, a virtual place of support where they guide family caregivers through the caregiving experience.

Click here for more information on planning for elder care
http://www.guidingfamilycaregiving.com

Tags: aging parents, Elder care